Wednesday, August 26, 2009

WHO WROTE THESE????? I would like to give credit.

I stole this from Heather's Blog... because they are the funniest LOL LOL things I have read in a long long time! I've bolded my personal faves.

Random Thoughts of the Day:

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actuallybecomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantrontest is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on theDonkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snoozebutton from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I had this thought and had to save it.

What everyone says is true - the minute they put that baby in your arms - all parts of pregnancy and labor become a distant memory - and you feel as though your life began at that moment!

I know that I did actually have a life prior to Daisy - there are remnants of it, my car is the same (although now I have an infant car seat and a mirror which I am supposed to see her since she rides backwards but usually what I see is either darkness or the roof of said car) and my office is the same. But I am not the same - I am the mommy! I am the magic fairy princess who makes smiles appear and while she is too little for real tears so crying disappear. I am the woman who is planning her first Halloween costume in August and her first holiday outfits (casual dress is done, fancy dress and jammies are still on the list) and yes I have even given thoughts to her first birthday - just 280 days away. I give thought to the fact that this time last year we were conceiving her, but that seems a lifetime ago.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

My mind is just flowing with cool stuff!

I'll make a list:
.5 I know you'll ask first about this - baby Daisy is doing wonderfully, right now she is snoozing in the swing I think I have about 5 more minutes. She is a great sleeper, a great eater, a great smiler, and I count my blessings every 5 (1) minute. This is her on her 2 month birthday or 2 month anniversary - I am not sure what to call it when you are counting the months!

1. Tomorrow is my fabulous friend Fran's birthday! I have lots of treats planned and I am so excited.
2. yesterday I went to a great store in Waldorf called Time and Again Antiques and this girl has some great stuff at great prices. Very shabby chic! I would definately plan to hit there if you are in the area - or plan a trip - hit the quilt store in LaPlata on the same day.
3. I also went to Jane's to check out the new Stampin Up stuff - there is some great new stuff in the catalog.
4. We finished the day by going to the Moonlight Madness at Once Upon A Child in Crofton. Madness is was - get a load of this!! They advertised a sale that increased in discounts as the day progressed - I went about 9pm really to kind of get a feel for what was left and what is the rock bottom price. Well the system was confusing - green and orange tags (but must be summer clothes) were clearance for $1.00. I started going through and not much was speaking to me and I was tired so I just picked out one little top for next summer. I ring up. At the counter, I notice a sign that says 10-3pm - 60% off, 3-8pm - 75% off at 8-11pm everything is 1.00. I get to the car and realize that my 1.50 little tank top would have been cheaper earlier in the day. I go back into the store and speak to a manager owner type man and he says yes it is true that I would have paid less earlier. I explain that the ad in the pennysaver where I heard about said "SALE" did not explain it that way. He says we have been doing it this way for 6 years. I say Can I just return it - because it is going to irritate me every time I look at it. He says yes, I wait and then the woman cashier starts talking about all this info I have to give to do a return (oh hear is the kicker part - he says to me "Normally clearance merchandise is non returnable but I am not going to debate you." Debate ME - he was not going to debate me because can you imagine the uproar I would have created in this store at 9:30 at night when I started explaining to everyone in line their policy!!!!!!!!!!!!) so I say just forget it I'll keep the (explective under my breath) shirt. He also explains that for 3 WEEKS before summer stuff was 50% off (so understand this - 3 weeks ago, NOT late at night, NOT a saturday night) I would have paid .25 cents less for this item! I was so aggravated by this. I can't say I will never go back but I certainly! will start questioning their prices and their policies by telephone before I step into the store. OH and just in case you want to sell something to them - be prepared for how little they will offer you - .07 cents to less than 2.00 for brand new stuff with tags on it! SHAME on Once Upon a Child in Crofton MD!
Gotta run - she is still sleeping - I must have worn her out with all that running around yesterday!! We are having some guests this afternoon and I AM still in my jammies.